Surrender

I used to think retirement was a time for kicking back and sleeping in.

In my book Replace Retirement, I explain the need to replace that kind of slow-moving retirement with a life of significance and purpose. To do that, I had to surrender the false narrative that I was entitled to spend my second half on an extended holiday.

Recently, I read a great definition of the word surrender. It means “neither giving in, nor giving up, but giving over.”

Learning to Surrender

I learned the power of surrender on a Vision Quest in the Rocky Mountains. My friend and mentor, Burke Miller of the Executive Wisdom Institute, took me to a remote location 11,000 feet up in the Rockies. I was to be absolutely alone with my thoughts for 24 hours. There would be no human interaction, no phones, and no food to distract me from listening to my inner reflections.

Looking back, the trip was a series of surrenders. First, I had to fight my own fear of being left utterly alone overnight. To prepare, I spent a day with Burke getting mentally ready. In the morning, I strapped on my backpack and headed into the woods. After a bit of wandering, I found a spot on a ridge overlooking a valley. My goal was to find a flat spot to sleep where no creature (big or small) could sneak up on me.

My first surrender had been agreeing to go solo. My second came after Burke left me. I took a quick walk to get my bearings, then sat down to reflect—the whole point of the experience. As I tried to quiet my mind, I looked at my watch. I broke the silence, “I’ve got 23 hours to go; this is going to be a long day.”

At that moment, a fly starting buzzing around my head and my butt began to hurt.

Right then, I decided that if I didn’t begin enjoying this time alone—to explore my thoughts without distraction—it would be the worst day of my life. As soon as I surrendered, the insects stop bothering me, my backside stopped aching, and the temperature seemed just right.

I was content. I was at peace. It just required surrender.

The Power of Surrendering

I had an equally powerful experience of surrender when I decided to get serious about my escalating struggle with alcohol and drugs.

By age 40, my drinking was spiraling out of control. I was no longer fully committed to my family or work. Then, two of my friends died within six months of each other, one from an accidental drug overdose, one from drunk driving.

I worried that I would soon follow their tragic fate.

A friend suggested an Arizona facility that treated addictions and the underlying causes that fuel them. The idea both frightened me and gave me hope for change. By the time I checked in to a room, complete with an annoying roommate, everything in me was screaming to leave. I phoned several people. They all encouraged me to stick it out. They knew how much I was hurting inside, how this self-inflicted disease was tearing me apart.

I wasn’t a religious person or even a churchgoer. But for the first time ever, I hit my knees and asked the God of my understanding to remove my obsession. I told him if this was what I needed to get my life back together, I was willing to trust his will. That night I slept great. When I woke up, my desire for drugs and alcohol was gone. Like I had never used before. No desire, no nagging self-talk, no fear.

Just like in the Rockies, I was content to be in that place and learn everything I could from the experience. I had surrendered.

Life After Surrender

Now that I’ve experienced the power of surrender on several occasions, you might ask me: “Do you surrender more often and does your life flow more smoothly?”

My answer is both “yes and no.”

Why? Because it’s against human nature to surrender—my ego doesn’t like it! As soon as I surrender, my ego tries to grab control back. The voice in my head starts spinning a story about how I was so brave, and I was so smart to surrender. Soon, it isn’t about God, it’s about me. And just like that, I’m beginning (ever so subtly) to dig the holes again that caused my pain and grief. So it’s an ongoing battle.

Combating Your Ego

I once stated in a Forum meeting, “My ego is out to kill me.”

Everyone laughed with knowing approval. Sure, there certainly are role models who’ve surrendered their will to God—Jesus, Gandhi, Mother Teresa, etc. I even have friends who do a much better job than me. But it’s challenging to willingly give up control in a world that flourishes on politics, business, and relationships.

Intellectually, I understand that control is mostly an illusion. I can only control my reaction, response and behavior. I have no control over people, places, or things, yet the perception of control is always there. Always tempting.

Creating a Legacy

Over the years, this realization has been reflected on my personal Legacy Map. I shifted from making myself the number one priority to making God my number one. By setting God as my top Annual and Lifetime goal, I am surrendering my ego (my will) to his.

Same for my daily habits. By praying and thanking God as my first action each morning, I am reinforcing the notion that he comes first. I am surrendering my first impulse each day to serving his will.

Maybe you’re facing seemingly insurmountable challenges. And maybe my story has inspired you to surrender. I believe that if you dig deep into your heart, become vulnerable, and honestly ask for help, it will be granted by a loving and forgiving God (or Higher Power, however you define God).

To sum up: The hardest thing I ever did was surrender and the easiest thing I ever did was surrender. Hardest because my ego and sense of self-preservation fight for control—they don’t want to let go. Easiest because when I do surrender control, I experience peace, forgiveness, and serenity.

By surrendering, I am placing God first in my life, supporting a healthy habit, and reinforcing thoughts of abundance vs. scarcity.

That, my friend, is grace.