A Parent’s Job is Never Finished
Someone once said that parenting a young child is like having a tiny wrecking ball who follows you around all day, undoing everything you just did.
But then, nobody ever said raising kids would be easy, right?
Consider these actual tweets from actual parents …
“Parenting is basically surprising yourself with how much stuff you can get done while in a perpetual state of exhaustion.”
“There are few things more terrifying than finding your toddler in the living room with an uncapped Magic Marker in her hand.”
“When someone asks about parenting, I show them the magazine I've been carrying for 6 months, because darn it, I'm gonna read it one day.”
Can you relate? There are so many unexpected joys (and challenges) involved in parenting that you don’t discover until after you’ve had kids.
But what becomes more clear as the years go by—to me, the biggest surprise of all—is the fact that you never stop being a parent!
I believe the job of a parent is never finished until the day we die. And then some. Our influence extends beyond the grave, based on the legacy we live and leave behind in our children’s memories. However, our influence steadily decreases as our kids get older. I’ve created a timetable outlining what I perceive to be the annual diminishment of influence:
1-6 years old = 90% influence
7-12 years old = 70% influence
13-16 years old = 60% influence
17-21 years old = 40% influence
22-30 years old = 20% influence
30 and beyond = 10% influence
This unscientific chart shows how our influence wanes with age. Today, my children are both in their 30s. And I can still influence them… to some degree. But what used to take days or weeks now takes years or decades to take hold. Why? Because they’re adults now, making decisions for themselves. Plus, we don’t have the same intimate relationship we had when they lived at home.
As my children grew up, they observed firsthand how I dealt with situations, and those early years had significant impact. My kids watched my behavior more closely then they listened to my words. I know the bad habits and immaturity I transferred to them during their formative years are still a hindrance to them. I regret this.
During the past 20-plus years, I’ve invested a great deal of time and money into maturing and transforming myself into the person I am today. My children have also watched this process and I can see that this behavior has also impacted them—if ever-so slightly—for the better. For this I am grateful.
I encourage you to take inventory. To recognize the behavior patterns of others—including your very human parents—and to take control of your personal development. I learned to forgive my imperfect parents and take responsibility for my life. It was one of the most empowering lessons of my life. Using mentoring, counseling, and a lifelong commitment to learning, I practice “self-parenting” to improve myself.
Today, I don’t think like a child, and for the most part I don’t act like a child. Sure, I have my moments and slip back to well-worn ineffective behaviors, but I am getting better at rebounding into continuous improvement.
It was the intermittent lack of self-parenting I saw in my folks during their later years that drove my quest to Replace Retirement with Intentional Living. As they aged, I watched their world shrink; a gradual slide into a smaller, safer bubble. The enthusiasm and drive I had so admired in them was gone. They were no longer interested in taking on new challenges or learning new skills.
I learned the value of hard work and self-mastery from my father, but as soon as he retired, I witnessed the size and impact of his life decline. I knew this was not the route for me. Instead of following his example, I chose to risk going out onto a new and even bigger stage—taking on the biggest challenges of my life with the confidence that my greatest period of contribution and impact was in front of me.
That is how I choose to parent today.