Forgiveness

When we’re challenged to forgive, both ourselves and others, there is the underlying—and defining—aspect of choice. The result, and resulting growth are within our power… we just need to courage to embrace it.

When ten-year-old Eva Kor arrived at Auschwitz with her sister, the Nazi guards noticed they were twins. They were taken from their mother and forced to undergo dangerous and humiliating medical experiments led by Josef Mengele.

In 1945, the camp was liberated by the Soviet army.

As an adult, Eva learned of a Nazi doctor who was present during the experiments. But of instead of seeking revenge, she decided to personally forgive him. She wrote, “I discovered that I had the power to forgive. No one could give me that power. No one could take it away. It was all mine to use any way I wished.”

It’s an amazing story that reminds us that forgiving others can be extremely difficult. But sometimes forgiving yourself can be equally daunting. Through my own journey to replace retirement with intentional living, I learned that I needed to begin by forgiving myself for all the times I did not live intentionally. Times when I hurt myself and others. Times when I squandered my energy and resources. 

In my book Replace Retirement: Living your Legacy in the Exponential Age, I call on you to make two commitments: First is to “Be Inspired” by creating such a compelling future that you’re inspired to wake up each day and pursue your envisioned life. Second is to “Manage Your Energy” by being intentional about how you focus and use your energy. That means making choices in your health, relationships, vocation, rejuvenation activities, spiritual walk, and financial management that attract and drive energy. It also means staying away from those behaviors, relationships, and habits that deplete energy. 

I personally find it easier to be inspired than to manage my energy. When younger, I would engage in activities that literally wasted my energy and money in a reckless fashion. To make matters worse, I would then expend additional energy beating myself up and being self-judgmental about my poor choices.

Looking back, I accept one of the biggest drains on my energy was drinking too much alcohol. For years, I was unable to turn off the switch, always wanting to increase the alcoholic buzz. Often, my alcohol abuse would lead to activities, social groups, and behaviors that depleted my energy in the drinker’s quest for a “good time.” 

When I created my Legacy Map and designed my envisioned future, I wrote alcohol out of the script. Quitting alcohol also meant avoiding the associated activities and drinking buddies that no longer served the principle-centered life I committed to. That new envisioned future of sobriety and purpose inspired me then and continues to this day. 

I’ll be honest, I occasionally fell off the wagon, which was then followed by a period of remorse, followed by the all-too-familiar internal conversation: I wasn’t good enough, I was a failure, and so on. The circle then continued with more energy expended on feelings of shame and guilt. Eventually, I found that this negative thinking was not serving me and slowly came to accept that I needed to refocus my energy to forgive myself promptly and recommit to my envisioned future.

Can you relate? Your struggle may not be with alcohol, but we all struggle with broken commitments to ourselves. And although your relapse may not cause catastrophic failure, any slip still creates erosion in our confidence. 

A few years ago I discovered James Clear’s blog. I was honored to begin a relationship via mail and look forward to meeting him in person. James wrote an excellent book Atomic Habits. I’ve been handing out copies to my clients as a how-to guide for establishing healthy habits and breaking destructive ones.

In his book, Clear writes, “Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. No single instance will transform your beliefs, but as the votes build up, so does the evidence of your new identity.”

I personally have plenty of experience with both good and bad actions that became habits. Many people who know me today admire my commitment to a daily routine of growth habits. Perhaps in some twisted way, my current crop of good habits was born from the many bad habits I fought during my 62 years on the planet. 

The one thing I am certain of is beating myself up and not forgiving myself when I struggle or slip is the one habit I don’t need and doesn’t give me energy!

So, let’s forgive others and forgive ourselves.

Let’s strive for progress, not perfection. As James Clear says, “You should be far more concerned with your current trajectory than with your current results.”