Judgmental

Every time you judge someone, you reveal a part of yourself that needs fixing.

Ouch. If that’s true, I need a badge that reads, “Work in Progress.”

I have several character defects, and one of the most frustrating ones is being judgmental about people, places, and things. Even about myself. When I started becoming aware of it, I was disturbed by how much being a self-appointed judge and jury was driving my thoughts and words.

The Signs of Being Judgmental

In its worst form, my judgmental attitude shows up as sarcasm, often directed at the people closest to me. About 20 years ago, I became self-aware of my sarcastic streak. Fortunately, as I became more mindful, I learned to reign it in. Ironically, it was recognizing that my own son had a similar tendency that made mine easier to correct. I didn’t enjoy being on the receiving end! My wife was also a big ally. She called me out when I was judgmental or sarcastic and raised my awareness.

May I be blunt? Sarcasm is not funny. It’s vicious. It’s using irony to mock or show contempt. Although a sarcastic person may appear to be on top of a situation, it’s really an expression of their low self-esteem and lack of confidence.

Too often, our being judgmental (internal) leaks out as sarcasm (external). And it feels like an epidemic, especially on social media.

Why We Judge

So, what’s at the root of this trend of being judgmental?

First, we live in a narcissistic society. Today, everyone is a critic. Online sites give an instant outlet to critique and deride others. Twitter allows anyone to spew putdowns and sarcasm at the touch of a button. Criticism even comes from the White House.

Reflect on our president’s campaign and leadership style — Trump is extremely judgmental, expressing his strong opinions about people, groups, or policies he doesn’t like. Many are attracted to this and align with his methods and views, but personally, I don’t find this behavior attractive or desirable in anyone.

However, I cannot truthfully say I’ve succeeded in controlling it. Looking inward, I’m still judgmental of others because I’m still judgmental of myself. This stems from a deep-seated sense of lack — of feeling inferior or undervalued.

Learning to Adapt

Where does this sense of unworthiness originate from?

I’ve been told that we’re all wounded in minor (or major) ways during our childhood and adolescence, including me. It wasn’t because my parents were unkind or unloving. They did the best parenting they could, given their own negative childhood experiences, coupled with the challenges of adulthood.

Their flaws as parents required that I adapt. To protect and preserve myself, I developed a pattern of behavior and manipulation that allowed my young developing self to survive in this sometimes dysfunctional environment.

This “adaptive child” then physically matured into adulthood, along with the freedom and responsibilities commensurate with my adult role. However, the challenges escalated as I struggled to abandon the adaptive child who had so masterfully guided me through my sometimes traumatic and dysfunctional youth. To others, it appeared that I’d never grown up or was immature.

Learn to Let Go

Perhaps you have personal experience with someone who is legally an adult but behaves more like a teenager. That was me in my late 30s. My inner turmoil resembled a struggle between good and bad. But it was deeper — the adaptive child who helped me when I was young (as my closest ally) was now judging me for wanting to leave a part of my identity behind and move on to adulthood.

The internal battle went something like this: “Why would you abandon me after all we’ve been through? Who got you here? Who protected you when the adults in your world could not? Are you a fool?”

In contrast, the mature adult I was becoming discovered the adaptive child was no longer effective. The internal conflict resulted in delayed maturity, broken commitments, frustration, anger, anxiety, and a sense of failure. When my functional adult was embarrassed or if things didn’t work out, the adaptive child would roar back from his isolated corner in my mind: “I knew it wouldn’t work out, because you can’t do it, you’re not good enough, etc.” You know the recording. That self-judgement and lack of confidence would then be expressed outwardly by judging others! I was in a continuous loop of judging my past failures, being uncertain of my future, and feeling unhappy in the present moment.

Be Aware

all adults face. I’m also aware that fear is often the root cause, cloaked in other emotions or feelings. Now when I’m judgmental, I look inward and determine what is amiss. I ask myself, “Where is the fear coming from?”

In addition, I’m adding new habits to my Daily Alignment practice to displace these feelings of inferiority and scarcity. I have designed a rhythm to start each day with reflective reading, prayer, physical exercise, and journaling or writing. It’s all designed to get me started on the right foot, to get my head in the game, and to armor-up for the day.

This doesn’t guarantee I won’t be judgmental. But it seeds my thoughts and attitude so my beliefs are consistent with my actions. I am essentially “behaving my way out” of former beliefs by acting the opposite of my adaptive child who wasn’t disciplined. The rest I leave to faith and time. Thanks to the compounding effect, my positive emotional bank account will grow so large that it will displace the empty space previously occupied by judgmental beliefs and sarcasm.