Commitment

Every coin has two sides.

Likewise, every benefit in life has a corresponding obligation. The two sides of the commitment coin—freedom versus responsibility—are today’s topic.

A client of mine (let’s call him Bob) shared a challenge he was having with his 18-year-old stepson (let’s call him Michael). As he described the boy’s transgression and how much it disappointed him, I offered some observations. As a father myself, I recognized Bob’s approach was typical and mirrored many of my own emotionally charged responses: “You showed disrespect to your parents, you worried us, and you eroded our trust in your ability to keep a commitment.”

This was certainly an understandable response, but I proposed another tactic based on my own struggles to keep commitments.

How to Keep Commitments

My suggestion was to stand Michael in front of a mirror and have him “talk to himself.” He was to say, “When I don’t keep a commitment, the person I hurt most is myself. If I can’t keep a commitment to me, I can’t keep one to anyone else.”

I told Bob to have his stepson repeat this phrase several times in his own words, allowing time for the lesson to sink in—that we cannot serve anyone or accomplish anything until we can keep commitments. After this exercise, father and son could begin dialoguing and looking for common ground to rebuild trust.

Michael wouldn’t fully understand, but his stepfather was leading him through a rite of passage, a step into adulthood that most of us have wrestled with. We all struggle with commitment from time to time, and learning how to keep a promise to ourselves is the key to liberty and freedom.

Making Excuses

Michael gave a predictable justification: “This small infraction (it was minor) is okay because I’m 18 now and entitled to make decisions about my own life.” He asserted that he wanted more freedom, partially because he admired Bob and wanted to be successful like him one day. Michael believed that his freedom would mean: “No one will ever tell me where to go or what to do.”

Sound familiar?

These mistaken notions, which sounded legitimate to a teen, provided a great teachable moment. Given Bob’s opportunity to impart some fatherly wisdom, I offered two suggestions. The first provided advice on decision-making. The second explained the link between freedom and responsibility.

The Short-Term/Long-Term Rule

This rule is simple. When I’m struggling or hesitating to decide something, the right decision is generally the one which provides a long-term benefit or payback. This contrasts with decisions that provide short-term pleasure or quick relief. My experience has proven that short-term decisions tend to be the wrong ones—not necessarily catastrophic (like eating a piece of cake), but not serving my best interests, either.

The same is true with commitments. When I think about the long-term implications of breaking even a small commitment, I realize that one infraction may not be significant in the short run but will likely compound over a lifetime. The inverse is also true. When young Michael keeps his commitments, it has the advantage of paying a short-term dividend (to his parents, and more importantly to himself) and a long-term dividend: the compounding effect of a series of honored commitments. This cumulative benefit will transform his character, confidence, integrity, and sense of wellbeing for a lifetime. That is a great ROI.

The Dichotomy of Freedom

This concept helped Bob mentor Michael regarding the independence he so passionately sought. Michael’s birth father struggled in life and spent time incarcerated before coming to a violent end. This kind of negative role modeling is disastrous to any young man’s ego and identity.

As we saw, Michael wanted freedom to make his own decisions. This desire is hottest when people (rightly or wrongly) feel their personal liberty is being jeopardized or restricted. We also demand “more freedom” when we’re dealing with fear or uncertainty about the future. In Michael’s case, he was fearful that without autonomy, he would be trapped to involuntarily follow the path laid out by others, regardless if he wanted to or not (perhaps even to a jail sentence).

Growing into Freedom

Freedom comes with a price. The more freedom we desire, the higher the price. When we’re young and totally dependent on our parents, we don’t get much freedom (at least not as much as we’d like). On the flip side, we have limited responsibilities and obligations. As a child, you can succeed simply by following directions from adults. Self-sufficiency and personal responsibility are minimal.

As an adult, I cannot rely on parents or teachers to chart my course. While I am blessed with great freedom to choose, there is also great responsibility. I must own the corresponding consequences of my choices. Excuses are not acceptable.

The Demands of Leadership

The stakes get even higher. When I’m granted the freedom of leading others (family, employees, community), my decisions not only affect me but also those around me. And it works in reverse. Leaders also face consequences for our followers’ or employees’ poor decisions and judgement.

The ultimate leadership position is president of the United States. But how much freedom does the president truly have? He can’t even drive himself to the local 7/11 for a snack! Yet he is the leader of the free world. Bottom line: if you desire freedom to choose (whether it’s which soda to buy or how to run your life), the key to success and freedom will be the ability to make and keep commitments.